What Comes After, “Are You OK”?

Dear St Andrew’s,

Yesterday, 10 September, was R U OK? Day. This year’s theme is “Ask R U OK? Any Day”—because, rather inconveniently, life’s difficulties do not confine themselves to the second Thursday in September.

R U OK? began as a suicide-prevention initiative and has grown into a national campaign encouraging Australians to stay connected and to have conversations that may help others through difficult times. According to its latest research, nine out of ten people who were asked “Are you OK?” reported feeling grateful, cared for and supported. Yet one in four people still hesitate to ask, even when they suspect someone is struggling.

Perhaps that is partly because we worry about what might happen next.

It is easy enough to ask, “Are you OK?” when we expect the answer, “Yes, fine thanks.” We can then smile, breathe a small sigh of relief, and return to discussing the weather, the traffic or the latest injury crisis at whichever football club we support.

But what if the answer is, “No, actually, I’m not”?

The R U OK? conversation guide offers four simple steps: ask, listen, encourage action and check in. The first question begins the conversation; it does not complete it.

We might follow it with: “What’s been happening?” or “How long have you been feeling like this?” Then comes the part many of us find more difficult: listening. We need not rush to offer a solution, tell a similar story about ourselves or begin a sentence with, “Well, at least…” Often the most helpful thing we can say is simply, “That sounds really hard. Thank you for telling me.”

James writes that we should be “quick to listen, slow to speak” (James 1:19). That is excellent advice for almost every conversation and especially for this one. Listening carefully communicates that this person and their pain matter to us.

We can then ask, “How can I support you?” or “Is there someone else it would be helpful to speak to?” Sometimes the next step may be practical. Sometimes it will involve encouraging them to speak with their GP or another qualified professional. We do not need to diagnose the problem or fix everything —and, frankly, it is probably better if we do not try. Our role is to care, listen and help them take the next step.

And then we check in. “I’ve been thinking about you. How have you been going since we spoke?” A conversation that changes a life may not be one remarkable conversation. It may be several quite ordinary conversations through which someone discovers that they have not been forgotten.

Christians should be particularly ready for such conversations. We know that human beings are precious because they are made in God’s image. We know that suffering is real and should not be brushed aside with a cheerful cliché. We know that Jesus met distressed and hurting people with compassion. And we belong to a church family in which we are called to “carry each other’s burdens” (Galatians 6:2).

That requires relationships of trust. My hope is that everyone at St Andrew’s will have two or three people who know them well enough that, when asked “Are you OK?”, they can give an honest answer—not merely the socially acceptable one.

Next year, we are planning to run a Mental Health First Aid course. This will be an invaluable way of equipping us to recognise when someone may be struggling, respond helpfully and guide them towards appropriate support. It will not turn us into mental-health professionals—that’s not its purpose—but it should help us become better friends, family members, colleagues and brothers and sisters in Christ.

So, if someone is on your mind, trust that instinct. Ask the question—not only today, but any day. And if the answer is “No”, don’t panic. Stay. Listen. Care. Pray. Help them take the next step. Then ask again.

God bless,

James